Everything is so internal sometimes. Ok, most of the time.
It makes me feel so Selfish. Alone. Judgemental.
I process a lot. A lot more than others. I think everything through. A few times.
I have so much to think about! To say!
And I don’t say it. Usually.
I have not liked myself in the past 3 months…
I’ve struggled with negativity and judgement. Worrying too much about other people and the differences in how they live their life versus mine.
I’ve talked a lot to others about different circumstances as a way to cope with the changes before my eyes.
I’m losing her. I am not doing much myself to keep her around really… but she’s gone. She’s been gone since day 1 of meeting Him.
I’ve struggled a lot with accepting this change. It was so dramatic and sudden, that I was in shock. I slowly became OK about it, and slowly understood more about myself and why I was struggling so much with this change.
I still don’t get it 100%.
I WANT to be happy for her! I do. And I am, deep down. But something about the way I present myself, I am not presenting my happiness to her.
Tonight was not a shocker… 3 months after they met, they have decided to move in with each other. She’s very happy. Taking care of someone, maturing, having someone that cares for her, she’s in awe of her life right now.
There’s something about it that shifted though. She’s not around here as much in the last 2 months… so we’ve seen so much less of each other. (1-2x per week). Communicated less (mostly my issue). But it is as if she doesn’t care anymore. She says she does, and talks the talk, but she’s moved on. She doesn’t pick up or care about our living environment anymore… she isn’t here enough to do so. Her number 1 is Him.
I understand this is just a stage in my life…I’m not losing her… she is SO unbelievably happy, she deserves nothing less.
My old roomie gave me this quote back today: With each step, the wind blows. With each step, a flower blooms- Thich What Hanh
God is watching over me tonight, He has been during this whole transition, and He will continue to as I find out what my next step in this life will be.
This week has been big.
First of all, I put my resignation in for my job and accepted another one.
Second, I’ve dealt with my boyfriend…figuring out who I am as an individual and who I am with him. It has been hard lately… and I know I am making it hard. Overthinking everything. Is he smart enough? Is he going to take care of me forever? Is he motivated enough? Is this real? What exactly does he like me for?! Can I handle his annoying parts of his personality?! How do I know he’s the one I’ll be with forever? I don’t like how its been when I am with him.. If something comes up that triggers me and brings me back to my last relationship, I can’t shake it. I am a grudge holder, and need A LOT of time to process events. I hope he continues to be patient with me through this big week.
3rd, my best friend ever really disappointed me Tuesday. It is not completely her fault, but she met a guy on 2/1 and has seen him about every day since. And on Tuesday, which was supposed to be our time to celebrate her birthday, he came over. I have just felt an issue with how fast they are moving and how much she falls for guys and makes them everything in her life right away. It is annoying. Part of me is jealous of her drive to just be with him all the time if that’s what she feels and he feels. But I just am not that way. I think too much. I like to have control of my feelings! I move much slower. I also am very cognizant of people’s feelings around me. I didn’t want to jump right into it with my BF because I didn’t want it to be a problem for anyone else, I didn’t want to be one of those girls that never sees her friends after she meets a guy. It is just who I am to think of others and what they think of me. I feel like I have this special ability to separate myself from my body for a bit and see myself from other people’s perspectives. Anyways… it has been a transition to her having a boyfriend… and I am so happy for her. He seems like a great, genuine guy. But I can’t help but not agree with her jumping so fast. Why hurry? I guess everyone can have their opinion. I was just super disappointed on Tuesday and it wasn’t a good feeling. She apologized… but it just feels deeper than that night too. And I hold grudges.. not a good combo.
I ate peanut butter pie for breakfast today. YUM. I had chocolate chips tonight… not good. two nights in a row of added bad sugars! I need to stop! I also had peanut butter for dinner. sweet. haha.
I gotta go to bed for now. This week has just been intense. Lots of feelings… lots of concerns for the future, which I wish I could just let go. Lots of processing… lots of chaos in my brain. I’ve made some big decisions this week too, which feel nice, but overwhelming in a way. I can get through this though! I can work through these feelings that I have, even the negative ones. I can learn from them, and figure out where I need to go from here.
”You know those days when you get the mean reds?”
“The mean reds, you mean like the blues?”
“No. The blues are because you’re getting fat and maybe it’s been raining too long; you’re just sad, that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling? … Holly Golightly, Breakfast at Tiffany’s. (via clrfrncs)
Areas to dive into:
1. livelihood and lifestyle
2. Body and wellness
3. creativity and learning
4. relationships and society
5. essence & spirituality.
positivity, feeling helpful, happiness. BALANCE.
Other than time or money, what I want more of is:
I need to give myself more permission to be:
free of judgement from other people.
What’s different about me is that:
I really care about you. Sometimes I get caught up in my head… thinking through everything before it happens so it will come out perfect. I am really hard on myself… I need my alone time.
What do I do most naturally?
Care for others.
What do I do even though I don’t want to?
treat some people who are very close to me as if they have done something to make me mad…
This brings me alive, enlivens me, reminds me of who I am:
writing. looking in my past via pictures/words/art. ALONE TIME to soul search.
This depresses my spirit, weighs me down:
negative thinking. working too long of hours. being away from my home for long period of time. perfectionistic habits.
the best advice I’ve ever given:
take care of yourself
best advice I’ve ever received:
follow your heart
best advice i’ve received and didn’t follow - and I’m glad I ignored it:
staying at a well-paying job that I did not feel inspired by
I get through tough times because:
I know I can, and things will turn around soon.
When in doubt,
Cuddle. drink tea. sleep. make art. call mom.
My joy comes from:
feeling loved, relationships, making others happy
being kind, being honest, being challenged.
I believe in:
digging deep to find my passions, desires, and needs in life. listening to myself. loving myself.
I’m dead set against:
being treated like shit
What I know to be true:
everyone has a purpose in this life.
The color of joy:
all the bright colors —- every single one. rainbows are happy.
the sound of joy:
mariah carey. (just kidding). laughing. nonstop talking.
the scent of joy:
delicious candle. fresh air and green grass. cookies in the oven.
love smells like:
comfort. roses. breath. softness.
In my body, appreciation feels like:
I know I’m happy when:
I smile just because. I feel relaxed. I want to be around people. I feel comfortable.
If delight were an animal, it would be:
a bird. chirping, flying, chasing.
phenomenal. like a dream come true.
When I whisper the word bliss, I am sitting out in the sand by the ocean in 80+ weather, with no to-dos, completely relaxing, no cares for what time it is
How do I want to feel?
-full of love
-like nothing can hold me back
-ready to pursue anything
-connected to myself
-challenged, yet in a flow
I want to know you…
When I say I want to know you, that means I am extending an open invitation for you to know me.
When I say I want to know you, that means I want, more than anything else in my world, for you to truly understand me. To see me. All of my strengths and weaknesses, my vulnerabilities…I want you to know all of them.
I want to trust you…I want to feel understood by you.
And I want you to know, this is big! I have struggled a lot in the past with opening myself up to others. There is something in your eyes, your smile, your hands, your kisses and hugs, that make me feel secure. I’ve never wanted anyone to know me as much as I want you to. There’s something special about you, Mr.
P.S. You are an answered prayer to me too!