1. I finally checked my voicemail. The nice guy that showed me that apartment last week and took my number to give to the lady that stood me up, called me to make sure I had been about to get a hold of her and such. He wasn’t too physically attractive, but in a way he was. He was attractive because of his personality… he took things into his own hands and helped us solve our problems. He introduced himself. You could tell he was intelligent about his work. And, he is thoughtful enough to call me. Super sweet. And he gave me his business card. So… do I call/text him back to say thank you? Is that leading him on?
2. Spent an hour outside reading. loved it!
3. Ran for awhile outside too. Got soaked in a quick thunderstorm, but kept running and enjoyed the sprinkles and watching the storm pass thru! Good run… I need to keep doing that to get back into running shape.
4. Talked to a good guy friend from back home for about an hour. I like talking to him because i know he needs friends to listen to him, and he has good insight for me too. He also has the same outlook on life as me… just positive, enjoying everything as it comes… so it is cool to relate to him on that level too. We mostly discussed his awkward, weird relationship with another good friend of mine.. and his thoughts on that. We talked about another couple who are going thru this awkward-need-to-break-up-stage, and he told me some much needed information on that. I feel bad, but I hate when people settle. I didn’t want to get caught in the middle of that… and it looks like I won’t have to be. We talked about another friend that is one that is SO FUN, and awesome to be around, and then she’ll turn around and not talk to anyone for 5 months at a time and get all weird. Well, he said memories with her are some of his favorites, and same for me… but that comment bugged me more than i wanted it to. Maybe because I am a consistent friend… I am not in and out like she is, and she can somehow maintain her awesome fun friend status. That’s me wanting to be everyone’s favorite again. Part of me is a little jealous too because she’s moving back home where she’ll probably start hanging out with them more often, which will mean lots more fun times that I won’t be a part of. And then there’s me that doesn’t want to be back there with that, because it is just a lot of drama. fun, but drama. Drama that I usually stay out of if I can… but who knows how into it I’d get if I moved back. Will I move back? I love that girl… seriously fun person, but it also secretly bugs me that she is so obsessed with food and weight and will talk about it on her blog in such an odd way… like she almost has an eating disorder, or is disordered in the way she thinks of food at least. Maybe it is just me thinking that is super annoying but in a way it is exactly how I think of it. I just don’t share it with the world because of the way it might appear… and how she writes is exactly how I wouldn’t want it to appear.
MAYBE I JUST THINK TO MUCH ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK AND NEED TO GET OVER IT.
how do i? I’m tired of it. I’m tired of that stupid shield again. That shield that keeps me from really getting into drama and keeping a friendly face on. That shield that is my smile and ears… that is happy to everyone else, and will listen to everyone else, but rarely shares what I’m thinking… because I’m too afraid of what everyone will do with that information or what they’ll think of me.. the person who just said it. Or what they will feel because of it. I don’t want to hurt my reputation with other people. People like me right now… but do they really like me, under this shield that I’ve had up my entire life?
DO I REALLY LIKE WHO I AM?
maybe that’s the ultimate question and what I’m really battling with. Am I who I want to be if I was fully exposed? I don’t think so. I don’t think I ever have been. Maybe that’s why with my last relationship I never really let him in. I felt like I did, and did more than I ever have anyone else, but I didn’t let him in as far as a 4 year relationship should really allow for. I never shared my thoughts.
why do I care if people like me or not? i think I’m really trying to make my roommate not like me… but she’s the most caring person in the world so I don’t think that’s going to happen. Maybe unconsciously I want an enemy. I want to feel what it is like to not be liked. Ok, that would really suck, so i hope that isn’t true. I know there are people out there that don’t like me (let’s see… melanie and janell for starters)… so I have felt it. But in those cases I just put them behind me and keep going. I feel awkward about it, but I don’t stop living. It hasn’t been life threatening to me so far, so what am I scared of?
I am struggling right now… struggling with understanding what is going on. I am getting to know myself deeper than ever, and enjoy it at a certain extent, and then I feel so totally self-conscious at the same time…. There are parts of me I hate and don’t want others to know about.. and I guess I have to come to terms with them.
What is ok to keep inside though? Maybe that’s something I’m having a hard time with too. How much is too much to show? Is it ok to keep some things to myself? Whenever I find myself talking about other people to my friends, I feel so disgusting afterwards. At the time, I find myself liking sharing my opinions (something new to me).. but afterwards I hate myself. What if that gets out? Then, people don’t like me. Then, I cause the drama I do so well staying out of. That, to me, is bad.
I have so much going on in my head, and I never share with anyone. When my talkative roommate talks to me, half the time I think… “what you are saying right now is totally pointless. why are you telling me this?” I’m just not the type of person that just shares my thoughts randomly, the ones that have no meaning/helpfulness to anyone but me. So what is ok to share? I feel bad for my next significant other already.
And why am I waiting to share things with only that person? I share things with some of my closest friends, and I do feel bad for taking up their time to share my stories… I’d rather they talk and I listen/chime in. I’m just not a good communicator. I don’t know what to share and what not to. We’re going to forget the fact that my Bachelor’s is in communication. I guess I can email like no other. And I learned in the business/media setting how to be efficient and get things done by only sharing necessary information in the fastest way possible. So there. Darn you, new media technology.
I am not giving up, but I sure as heck wish my therapist was in town so that I could vent to someone about this and hear her always super helpful feedback!