Quiet but Fierce

Photo

Mon, 20 May 2013 11:58:08 -0400

"You’re under no obligation to be the same person you were five minutes ago."

Wed, 15 May 2013 23:05:35 -0400

“You’re under no obligation to be the same person you were five minutes ago.”

- (via thatkindofwoman)

Some notes...

Tue, 14 May 2013 00:31:00 -0400

Some things…

Ben Howard. yep.

Mariah Carey - Beautiful. yep.

Classes are over. I cried so much on the last day! Realizing that this 2 year journey is over… unbelievable.

Impromptu Florida vacation with the family… lots of golf. Go Tiger! Fun in the sun. Beach workouts with my brother. delicious drinks. Mother’s Day with my momma. Couldn’t ask for more.

Trusting I will find my purpose… where will I get a job? What will it be? No idea.. do I nanny for the summer? Do I work part time and enjoy myself? How do I stay calm about this situation?

Airport madness…A mother decided to set her son up with me, ha! We had been talking and she then introduced us all… and then after the flight she came up with a piece of paper with his name and number on it to give me… and then gave me a piece of paper to write my name and number on it. She said, “You just seem so nice and smart and pretty, and I just couldn’t help myself!” And there it was… I couldn’t stop laughing, so funny. I wonder how embarrassed he was!! His dad was super nice too… They offered to take me home and feed me dinner and i told them I was OK, but needed a job.. so if they could help with that, I’d appreciate it :) The guy was trying to talk to me about this week… I didn’t want to make my friend wait any longer, so I just said, “we’ll be in contact.” I wonder how he took that… haven’t heard from him yet! We’ll see what happens! Funny story… I love his mom already. My roommate’s boyfriend sort of knows him… it really is a small world.

Trying to be patient with God’s timing… in everything. A few moments this past week have reminded me that things really do happen at the perfect time. And that really does calm me down. So I need to keep reminding myself of that!

Photo

Tue, 14 May 2013 00:23:44 -0400

Photo

Tue, 14 May 2013 00:21:48 -0400

spiritualinspiration: We don’t always understand God’s methods....

Tue, 14 May 2013 00:21:35 -0400

spiritualinspiration:

We don’t always understand God’s methods. His ways don’t always make sense to us, but we have to realize that God sees the big picture. Consider this possibility: You may be ready for what God has for you, but somebody else who is going to be involved is not ready yet. God has to do a work in another person or another situation before your prayer can be answered according to God’s will for your life. All the pieces have to come together for it to be God’s perfect time.

But never fear; God is getting everything lined up in your life. You may not feel it; you may not see it. Your situation may look just like it did for the past ten years, but then one day, in a split second of time, God will bring it all together. When it is God’s timing, all the forces of darkness can’t stop Him. When it’s your due season, God will bring it to pass.

You must learn to trust God’s timing. You can be sure that right now, God is arranging all the pieces to come together to work out His plan for your life. He has been working in your favor long before you encountered the problem. Don’t grow impatient and try to force doors open. Don’t try to make things happen in your own strength. The answer will come, and it will be right on time.

"Every ‘no’ God has issued to me was to keep me from missing a glorious and far greater ‘yes’."

Tue, 14 May 2013 00:15:24 -0400

“Every ‘no’ God has issued to me was to keep me from missing a glorious and far greater ‘yes’.”

- Beth Moore (via favoredgrace)

Photo

Tue, 14 May 2013 00:15:08 -0400

bigbangtheoree: natashakline:

Tue, 14 May 2013 00:14:12 -0400

bigbangtheoree:

natashakline:

"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it...."

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 09:34:32 -0400

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

-

Brené Brown

job hunting sucks :( I would rather be laying in my nice clean bed watching past seasons of army...

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 22:59:46 -0400

job hunting sucks :(

I would rather be laying in my nice clean bed watching past seasons of army wives.

I wish I hadn’t made that chocolate bark tonight… and eaten all of it.

I did get 4 loads of laundry done today.

And a workout, and an evening walk, that I hope to make a regular thing.

Loving snapchat.

I got most of one of my finals finished today… 2 more assignments to go!

Wishing for my friends to all stay here :(

Wondering about my future.

me: wears pajamas

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 20:21:46 -0400

me: wears pajamas
me: showers
me: changes into clean pajamas

THE GUEST HOUSE This being human is a guest house.Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression,...

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 10:11:33 -0400

THE GUEST HOUSE

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

— Jelaluddin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks

http://www.gratefulness.org/poetry/guest_house.htm

Photo

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 09:43:27 -0400

Photo

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 09:42:41 -0400

Some updates!

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 23:36:07 -0400

loving life. loving my friends.

last weekend was a HUGE weekend for me and the girls in my program. We had an all day conference on Friday, and then Friday night was our performances. It was such an amazing night that deserves a huge recap.

I head home about 12:30 for some self-care… I worked out in my living room, I did some yoga. I totally layed on my mat for 10 minutes listening to calming music (kenny g, you raise me up) in the corpse pose. Best decision ever. Getting more nervous every second. I head to school around 3:30. Time to start setting up the room! I get started with the computer/sound system/projector. So many girls were helping out… setting up chairs, setting up the refreshments. Total team effort all weekend long, made me smile. My best friend came around 6 with a big balloon in the shape of a champagne bottle, and a bag of goodies… bubbles, bouncy ball, and candy! She is so sweet. My parents arrived around 6:30. The three were sitting in the front row… holy nervousness! I was practicing my speech outside with my friend when my parents were walking up. It was almost show time! I was basically a wreck at this point. running around like a crazy person, getting the video camera ready, grabbing a group shot of the performers, gahhh. We get a pep talk from B and it was show time.

I started on the computer, so I was up front sitting on the floor. Started just fine… we had to play with the sound for each person a little more than planned, but we just adjusted as we felt appropriate. The girls were such inspirations for me… They showed me it was possible to just get up there and do our planned things… that it was possible to perform and do great. All of us did wonderful… the night went on without a hitch! We decided last minute to not do an intermission, so that meant I was up next.

I helped with the projector cord (helped calm me down to help calm someone else down!!) and I got started. The movie played… I watched the screen.

As I started painting in the video, I started scraping on a mirror I had painted on stage. The lights lifted. My inner critic voices, my fears were read aloud. And man, that scraping sound. That was the main soundtrack, and boy was it excruciating! It was worse this night than ever before. I took many deep breaths through the 10 minutes. It went very well… I just did what I had always rehearsed. I felt calm, but exposed. Vulnerable for sure.

After the performance, I gave my minute speech. I did OK looking at the video, but at the time, I felt like I butchered it. I had it memorized, but in the moment, I would completely blank on the sentence I was about to say. Oh well!

Feedback was asked for from the audience. I got two comments… One commented on how it was a performance that was applicable to many professionals, in different professions too. That feeling of inadequacy in what we do is relevant to others. 2nd person commented about how amazing it was, but how painful it was to watch… that she wanted to leave so bad to escape the uncomfortable sound. She wanted desperately for her clients to see the performance to understand how hard the process of self-discovery through art really is.

And then it was over! I was thrilled with it. And B gave me a high five going off stage!! And told me good job afterwards with a thumbs up :) We had the last two performers, and then it was party-time. We all went back up on stage for a small gathering and final clap and then done! I went to see my family, hugs, smiles. Lots of people came up to me to tell me great job… the majority of the feedback revolved around: “It was absolutely beautiful and horrible at the same time.” Past students, faculty, friends, and strangers came up and spoke words of support. I felt the love from everyone! People told me they wanted to come up and help me scrape the mirror so bad. They saw my struggle, my aching hand, my shaking hand. It was vulnerable, so many of the girls could relate. My parents and friend were proud! It was just a great night.

After cleaning up and being the last people out of the school, my parents and best friend and I went out for a drink. I ordered an old fashioned.. turns out the bar had a late night happy hour, so our drinks were all $2 off! Dad was falling asleep, so we headed home after that. We went out and met another girlfriend and her friends out for awhile and then cabbed home. The next morning we slept in, and hung out until early afternoon. We all showered and decided a brewery tour would be fun! So we went there and waited in line. Bought tickets for a tour in a couple hours, so we left and went to Panera for a snack. Back to the brewery tour (staring at gorgeous boys!!) and then finally the tour. Everyone thought it was fun! Then it was home to get ready for the evening. We went to a mexican restaurant for food and mom’s fave: margaritas! They had a vegan friendly menu, amazing. Kale and potato tacos it was!

After the dinner, it was art show time. We arrived, circled the room, and mingled with my friends and faculty. Another fun night… kind of chaotic with so many people and their families and friends, but still enjoyable. We decided on an after bar, so we headed there next. My parents went home :) This bar was fun, just more chatting at a table talking to some boys! Then onto another bar which was less fun… More chaotic, more detached from the group… plus exhaustion was setting in from the long weekend. We headed home after 1…

Sunday we slept in again… and it was my dad’s birthday! So best friend and I presented him with a cake ball with a candle in it singing happy birthday at 9am :) It was funny and he laughed! We decided breakfast at Panera would be sufficient… Dad likes cinnamon crunch bagels! After that, it was time for the guests to leave.

Always sad to say goodbye, but I felt lucky to have three of my favorite people with me all weekend. Such an important, unforgettable weekend… one that I will always cherish. I was on a high on Friday night… almost sad to have it be done at the end of the night! I didn’t want to do it again, but I wanted to feel that rush again and again. I think I am realizing these events are special to the program.. never again will I have that same experience. that is scary to me!

I got so much positive feedback though, I just feel lucky. My parents introduced themselves to B, the program director, and he told them I was going to make a difference in the at community over the next 25 years!! Another faculty member told my parents I was going to be a great addition to the field. Another one told me she thought of my performance the following day as she was doing her work, and that she was moved by my work. I just feel lucky.

The girls in my program are special…They are beautiful, inside and out. I just feel lucky to have met them, and I am so scared for the feelings that are going to come in the next 1.5 months as we all graduate and move on in our respective ways. I hope that we can all stick together and remain great friends even through distance. I love them so much! Sunday was a tough day as it was setting in that our time left is short. That this experience, this 2-year experience is coming to an end. Such an amazing journey, one that felt very long at some points, always challenging, full of so much learning. I never like endings, and this is one bigggg one.

It is just scary to think about all the unknowns. Where will I work? Who will I meet through that job? Will I like it? Where will it be located? Will I keep making art? Will I feel lonely? That is my biggest fear.

"The fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden. It doesn’t make you unloveable or..."

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 12:53:19 -0400

“The fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden. It doesn’t make you unloveable or undesirable or undeserving of care. It doesn’t make you too much or too sensitive or too needy. It makes you human. Everyone struggles. Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart. During these times, we aren’t always easy to be around — and that’s okay. No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time. Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult. And yes, you may sometimes do or say things that make the people around you feel helpless or sad. But those things aren’t all of who you are and they certainly don’t discount your worth as a human being. The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved. You can be difficult and still be cared for. You can be less than perfect, and still be deserving of compassion and kindness.”

- Daniell Koepke

haven’t written in awhile… let’s see! the baseball game was a blast. think:...

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 20:22:10 -0400

haven’t written in awhile… let’s see!

the baseball game was a blast. think: tailgating atmosphere (perfect!), miller lite, flip cup, bags, playing catch with a football, we won the game, he bought me a delicious apple beer and fed me some of his sandwich :), holding hands around the stadium, a meal at 10p at Jimmy Johns… just a fun, fun day. some sad news involving him leaving for a whole year this fall… but not thinking about that for now!

fun week at home for spring break. spent time with the grandparents. Interview’d them for school and chatted about death grief and loss. got to see my momma. fun time with friends over the weekend…. lots of alcohol, sick on saturday, had taco bell (what the hellllllllz was I thinking?! horrible idea. horrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrible. nevvvvvvver evvvvvvvver again.) went out saturday night, much lighter. saw a handful of great friends, good catching up. Left first thing sunday morning… large coffee with way too much delicious creamer to tide me over the 4 hours of sleep I got. family lunch overlooking the town, and onto my way home.

sunday was a brutal night of homework, recovery from procrastination. Monday was equally as brutal with class allllll day. another 12 hours of being “on.” I was so over life at that point.

tuesday involved working from home and a workout at the gym. My last one with cute workout instructor. He was super friendly. I tore my hands up with the kettle bells. OUCH. they are still healing… finally getting to the point where I don’t have to scream when I get them wet or wash them.

I’ve been sucking on my workouts and eating this week. eating semi-good food, but too much. not as many veggies, more cereal and oatmeal and crackers. not as much water and tea. I blame post-hangover, lack of sleep, and exhaustion from everything life. My last day at the gym is saturday… I’m super sad about it. I can already tell I’ve lost some muscle. I wonder what I’d look and feel like if I did keep it up for a year? I wonder. Maybe I can get super into creating my own workouts this summer. Hopefully! And realllly following the plant-based diet and experimenting with recipes. Not eating bowls of cereal every meal :)

I’m so over rainy weather and whatever snow we are supposed to get tonight. I’m ready for nice spring running weather! And then summer can get here. Cause I want some beautiful nights, walking weather, running weather, grilling out, music on the hill, summer beers, volleyball outside, and tanned skin. anytime now! Thanks.

My therapist told me I had a “lightness” about me now that is different than when I first started seeing her almost 2 years ago. I really agree. I have come a long ways! I think a lot of it has to do with the relationship I was a part of in dec - jan. He really did teach me alot… I started to trust my intuition. I regained my voice. There was a lot I liked about the relationship, but other parts I didn’t, and I trusted that and did something about it. It was amazing! and now, with this new potential, I’m trusting it too. I have a feeling about it… and I’m being patient.

I’ve got a big night ahead of me… some painting to do, some work to do, and some paper editing. let’s see how much I can get done. ready. set. go!

Photo

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 14:19:18 -0400

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 18:43:06 -0400

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”

- Romans 12:12